Writing this on Mother’s Day. I can’t even begin to measure my mom’s loving, multi-faceted, nuanced mothering – straight up unconditional love, support, encouragement, doses of reality, big laughs, tense card games, Jeopardy!, on and on, rest in peace Mom! But alas, mama/daddy the bow…. child the arrow. Forth I went, as it should be! And I learned a few tricks M&D could not touch, at all.
Take steak. Listen, I liked – loved – steak night!! Because it was so rare (LOL). Chuck steak was…steaky. Chucky. They didn’t give away those steak knives at the gas station for nuthin!!! But there’s something beef-elemental about steak that only steak can deliver, almost any steak.
We’re all aware of bourbon-soaked applewood, designer charcoals and the like. I guess it’s fine, go for it. It’s probably better. But not everybody lives in the country or the damn suburbs with endless green-space to pollute with char-smoke. There are those in the city or a van. For you, I offer on-stove, oven-roasted Schteak, in homage to a good, good friend who actually butchered meat FOR A LIVING at one point and anyway, informs my inner cow.
Moms won’t like my method – hardly anyone will – until they belly up for din-din. Look: (dontcha love when somebody says “look” on NPR or Meet the Press…you know they about to lay it on you!!!), this won’t be pretty, I won’t lie. But you wanna eat good, right? At least once in a while.
Butcher. Not Safeway. Don’t have a butcher? Move to a modern city/area that does…or go online and say USDA Prime and enter security code ‘yes’. Get some U S D A Prime bone-in ribeye beefsteak. Or a little harder, probably a little better but trickier, Prime Porterhouse. Yes, it costs $856. Do it. Need to justify? Skip dead animals or Comcast for the summer-winter, or quit golf (that hook? It is yours). Buy some nourishing meat with what you save! Get the good stuff. I know that’s the advice every cook person gives. Because it’s true.
And thick. Thicckkk. Two imperial inches minimum. Not easy to find, but stacking 2 one-inchers from CheapCo isn’t sanitary. Thick can be had. Now turn stove to Highest. Iron pan is a must — Lodge ok, Griswold better (vintage available); enameled is ok, Le Cruset is just La Ca$het, Go Staub!!
Meat at room temp (oops, shoulda mentioned that earlier). It’s peppered and properly seasoned with salt. That is all it is. Once the pan is HOT, put on the steaks. Gonna smoke big time. Hugely. The fan, the windows, oh the smoke! Plumes!! Smoke detector goes off!! Use a towel to fan the smoke away from the detector(s), which you can’t disconnect any more than drive without seatbelts. A couple minutes later, flip. More smoakkk!! Smoke baby!! Beep beep beep…beep beep beep. Family/neighbors are either out (preferred), or not liking you right now. A clouded minute or two on the B side, then move the pan (careful – handle HOT) quick into the 5000+++ deg oven (preheated, again sorry). Let it groove in there awhile, maybe your asparagus or little potatoes or tomatoes are already inside, roasting. Yes! I dunno how long inside to get rare/mid-rare, never timed it. Not 5 minutes (raw) but not 22 (getting brown). Before too long, take it out. Rub with a garlic clove and spritz of lemon. Let it ‘rest’ a little.
Meanwhile, drinks, trimmings. The zesty grilled crust gives way to the juicy, beefy redness inside. Almost all food groups at once…feel your blood get nourished. I’ll say it – almost melts in the mouth, but you’re gonna wanna chew, savor the full range of Schteak flavors. Take that family!!
Real good the next day too, cold. Also works for burgers – 80/20 ground chuck. Smoke baby smoke!
- Old Man Wrong
